So many fears...staby, staby fears .

Bri and I got in a fight last night, well, more of a heated and lengthy discussion punctuated by emotion. The place we want to have the wedding is going to cost 3700 which includes the place for the reception (but no tables or chairs) and a bunch of very simple cabins. Which could actually be perfect. We figure people will need to have a place to stay anyway so why not, instead of renting a hotel room for 150 a night, just stay in the cabins. It would make the whole occasion not about companies selling us an experience which comes packaged and sold for a profit but instead an experience which is created by the community that we love through relationships and their own creativity. There would be eating together, setting up together, making part of the wedding and lots of games and laughing.

Really it is a way that we can go against some of the bull shit that weddings have become and we are having a hard time breaking from.

The problem is that if people don't want to come early and stay in shared, very simple, cabins together then we can't pay for the it. It's a risk, a big risk. With 8000 as our budget it comes out to 3700(venue) + 500 (tables & chairs) + 1700 (photographer) 4000 (food) = 10900. That of course does not include dress, rings, decorations, gifts, parting gifts and so much more. The way I see it, if we don't get most of those cabin spaces paid for (since we are paying for them anyway) we are going to begin our lives in a lot of debt. Not to mention no honeymoon.

The problem is is that when I keep saying, "we can't afford that" and "no, its too much" often times Bri does not hear, "I am trying to protect our future because I love you and want to protect your future hopes and options" she hears, "no, and I'm not going to work with you to make this happen i'm just going to put these things in your way."

It is the hardest thing in the world when you can't give the person you love something that you know is really good in every way because you don't have enough money. At the same time knowing that they don't see it the same way. Its maddening and it had me tears last night.

How do I do it? How do I protect our future and at the same time make it so that at the end of all this Bri does not feel like she had to sacrifice so so much to be with me? These thoughts fill my mind with visions of a future where those sacrifices build in her mind till she starts to resent me. Slowly that resentment eats away at our marriage will be come to have a deep seething hatred of each other that manifests itself in a constant and undeniable annoyance at everything the other one does. This gnaws and gnaws at her till one day, when I ask her to pass the ketchup she passes the knife...over and over again...deep into my eye holes.

It happens...

Clearly there is a lot at stake here...

(fear)

(Ugh) The Cost for Eternity.

These past few days have been a roller-coaster of sorts. This past weekend I went up to visit Michael at Princeton. Lately, we've been having this discussion of where to live once where married. My heart calls me to Philadelphia but sometimes you have to factor in much more than just your heart. Eventually I want to live in Philly, but for the time being it just seems that the best place to be for both of us is Princeton. It's the cheapest (by far), easiest, and probably one of the nicest places to begin a life together. Before my visit I was skeptical of the area. I thought it would be like Wayne in which the natives complain about everything you do and constantly try to take away any rights and privileges that you may have. Basically, unless you own a 1.5 million dollar house, you really don't have a say. But it was different. People said hello as you walked down the street. They looked you in the eye and acknowledged you. WHAT A DIFFERENCE! I feel more comfortable about moving to Princeton, but it doesn't mean I want to stay there forever. My mind might change but for now I'm happy to plan with that in mind. However, that seems to be the only thing I can plan on for now. Michael and I are still debating on the reception location. We have this dream that instead of a wedding day, we would have a wedding weekend. We have booked a place near my hometown that has everything we need to have a 3-day celebration. The only downside is that it costs more than we think we can afford. With the cost of the cabins, dinning hall, and use of faculties, it comes to about $3,650. If we can get 72 guests to stay in the cabins and charge them a minimum of $50 we would almost break even, excluding the cost of food for three day. In my mind it is doable. To Michael, the realistic one, it's a coin toss. And that is where we stand at the moment. Rent the place and have a dream wedding that both of our communities can get to know one another, or save money and find another place and another dream to fulfill. It's hard knowing that money has this much of a factor in a relationship. It's hard knowing that this is causing hurt feelings and a tension between the two of us. I hurt Michael's feelings last night by being frustrated and, frankly, stupid and selfish. I dismissed his concerns and blamed him for something that was never his fault to begin with. Relationships are hard if you make them hard. I wasn't willing to listen to Michael and ended up hurting him, which in turn ended up hurting us. Sometimes I need to remind myself that none of the small stuff matters. I want to marry Michael, period, hands down, now and forever, till death do we part. This post is my public apology for the greatest man I know, my love and my life.

Follow the rabbit.

I have this theatre professor, who, like any other thespian, is a bit off his rocker. He chuckles to himself quiet often, insults major Christian theology, and isn't afraid to call it like it is. In short, he is everything I hope to be some day. The other day he and I were having a conversation about what my life will look in one years time. Right now, Michael and I have the option to live either in Princeton, which is closer to his school, or in Philadelphia where my heart longs to be. There are pros and cons to either location but I can't seem to make up my mind. Michael tells me either place is fine with him but I still don't know which place would be fine for me. My plan after we get married is to take a year off from grad school and explore interests or hobbies that I never had the chance too. Princeton would give me that opportunity, but I think Philadelphia would force me to grow in a different way. Tonight I had a conversation about the urban poverty affecting the city and I realized that I felt alive and passionate about something for the first time in a long time. As my crazy theatre professor says, I must follow the white rabbit down whatever path it takes me. I may face a thousand white rabbits but I can only follow one and see what happens. It may not be the path for me but I never would have known unless I followed it down the path. I guess you could say that I'm following Michael down his path; I just need to figure out where I fit in on the way.

My Confession...

For the past two weeks I've been skipping assignments, showing up late to class, putting off important tasks, losing sleep and feeding my current addiction. What is it you ask... Porn, Wedding Porn to be more specific. No seriously, it is a real thing. I can't stop! I can't turn my eyes away from it! And I've come to realize all of my friends are doing the same thing. Every since I've learned to click and drag pictures, I've been storing up a file filled with pictures, clips, projects, ideas, and inspirations for my future wedding. Now that the future is an ever present reality, I've discovered it's an addiction. The beautiful dresses, the lights, the decor, the fantasy of perfection is so alluring. Now Michael and I have two very different views when we look at these pictures. Michael thinks material consumerism at the sake of the institution of marriage. I on the other hand see someone's dream put into reality. I think the biggest challenge for me with this wedding is to realize that at the end of the day, nothing matters as much as I think it does in the moment. At the end of the time, the six goals Michael and I have created are what we believe the most important and meaningful. A dress from David's Bridal doesn't fall in line with those beliefs or goals, and neither does my Wedding Porn addiction.

• Step 1 - We admitted we were powerless over our addiction - that our lives had become unmanageable

Keep the Main Thing the Main Thing

So it turns out that planning a marriage ceremony can get real out of controle really fast. Social expectations, family expectations, crazy ideas that you get from reading too much material made to sell you some kind of shiny bull shit....the list goes on.

So Bri and I decided to make a list. A list of focal points so that any time we start to get carried away or overwhelmed we look back at these and ask, is this think moving us towards these goals or not. I admit that this is easier said then done but you gotta give it a shot right.

What we want to accomplish for the wedding...

1.     To bring together 2 already existing communities.

2.     To keep God in the middle and frame the theme of the rest of our marriage together.

3.     To create the day with as many members of the community as possible, making it a day that involves
           everyone as participants in the joy not just observers. 

4.     To make it fun, not just fancy

5.     To make as many things ourselves as possible.

6.     To have everything benefit something we believe in as possible.

7.     Spend no more then 2000 of the money we will build a life together with.

s    This is the hope, may the God of grace who understands what pulls on us help us to not loose our way.